A Bear

So, the basic premise of this blog is to give the populace a greater understanding of what I am by determining what I am not. I hope this initial post is as entertaining to read as it was for me to write.

   For some odd reason, there has been a sudden upsurge of people considering me to be a bear. Honestly, I don't know how it has grown so out of control, but I am here to prove once and for all that among all things that I am not, a bear is at the top of the list.

   Let's look at some facts. First and foremost, I am totally not genetically related to them, for they are within the following nomenclature:
Kingdom - Animalia
Phylum - Chordata
Class - Mammalia
Order - Carnivora
Family- Caniformia
Genus- Ursidae

   While I, a human being, have a differing nomenclature starting at the Order classification. I am derived from Primates. Not some… well, bear.

   This is the evolutionary process my ancestors went through.

   Besides, scientifically speaking bears are more related to Pinnipeds - fin-footed mammals. Fucking seals, man. There's no possible way I'm related to a seal. I mean, I’ve threatened to club so many of them, I’m pretty sure I’m on whatever the sea-lion equivalent of America’s Most Wanted. I’m at least on some walrus’s watch list.

   If that is not sufficient enough proof, let’s look at the following dietary facts.


   Above, you will see my most favorite of favorite foods, the magnificent pie. It is my belief - and hopefully yours too - that this sweet baked ambrosia can cure anyone of any aliment when ingested in the appropriate amounts. In fact, human kind can be completely sustained by pie and pie-based foods. Wars could be abated by the crusty hands of divine dessert, this perfect pastry.


   Meanwhile,bears eat the following:

 

   My diet however, consists of the following:



      


                          +

   Now, while there are some very, very basic similarities in the diet, they should be overshadowed by the glaring differences. Note that I do not eat twigs and, if possible, would rather enjoy my baby in a pie format.

   If that has proved nothing, allow me to move on to seasonal habits. Being in Upstate New York, I realize that there are five seasons: Summer, Ball Sweat Summer, Pre-Winter, Ball Hurt Winter, and then finally Post-Winter. Now, a bear - which I am not - goes through a hibernation-like state during the winter. As you may be able to tell, it is still very much so winter, and I have definitely written this. I am not asleep. I am quite awake. I may nap, but who won’t or already hasn’t napped today? Either way, I do not hibernate, nor do I enter a hibernation mode during the winter months.

   More importantly is the preface to any kind of hibernation bears enter. You see, bears have this tendency to start stocking up on high-fiber foods, such as grass, twigs, leaves, and several other things that one kid in first grade ate for a nickel. This is to help "plug up" the digestive track, allowing more time to less, without the interruption of excrement. Needless to say, if I were to put myself through anything like that, my Pre-Winter season would lose a lot of the precious writing in the restroom time, where many of my better ideas are born. Although I never have had an enema, I wouldn't 'sticks and twigs' to be the medical reason I'd get my first.

   If that has done nothing to sway you, let’s look at some basic anatomy.

   This is a bear.

    Vicious.

   This is my basic anatomy.

   Well, that's at least the sign I look for when I need to use the restroom.

   I have hair. Hair does not mean fur. I don’t even have claws. Though claws would be pretty sweet; along with wings and a prehensile tail, but I have none of those things. And before the argument is proposed, The following are completely mathematically sound:

This



                                      =/= This :








The bear does not equal the male figure. See below for further proof.

                      


                             =/=




(As a note, the person pictured there is not me either, but I'll discuss that in a future post. (He and I do share the same name though, so it still counts. (sort of.)))

And finally, not only am I not this bear:

But, I am certainly not a Pokemon bear. Most definitely not.

If my well researched, highly empirical proof has not shown my total and complete lack of bear-hood, I’m certain nothing will. However, to those of you that have finally seen the error of your way, you are forgiven. Just don’t let it happen again.