Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Celebrating Valentine's Day

   As many of you most certainly know, it's Valentine's Day - a realization that you already have made either through crushing responsibility to someone else, thus rushed a get them something, or through crushing loneliness that had you rushing to get yourself to the safety of your bedroom.

And she even got a Valentine. Rough times.
   "But The Lopez, Valentine's Day was yesterday. It's over with." Right you are, fictional person that I talk to for an hour once a night. However, that is why I write today, to present to you the greatest part of Valentine's Day

My Little Pony candy. My readership just exploded.
   The candy. Not just the candy though, the candy sales. Certainly people across the nation understand the beauty of this post-holiday holiday. The inexpensiveness, the lack of obligation to each other, activities that  do nothing but give us diabetes. We don't even have to fake love or other foreign, commercialized feelings anymore, but simply enjoy the candy.

Kind of like the day after Halloween, but with less whorish police walking home the next morning.
   I personally spent Valentine's Day working, watching how elementary school girls had their names horribly spelled onto cheap stock valentines, discussing how they don't want certain boys to give them a valentine. Conversely, I then watched the boys freak out over who to give their valentines to, and also make fun of the boy who gets the most.

"He's the one who opened his young heart to us. Get him!"
   With a work-filled, lonely Valentine's Day, I knew the only reprise I would have from it was the cavity -inducing amounts of candy that would be consumed the next day. So I say screw the Valentine pre-tenses, let's all just get wasted on shitty chalk hearts, toothpaste-filled chocolates, and lollipops, and forget about the love-based reasons for celebrating Valentine's Day. Now, if you'll all excuse me, there is a heap of three day old candy ripe for the pickings at Wal-Mart.

The nation's one-stop shop for lonely holidays.

Sunday, February 5, 2012

Watching the Superbowl

   As I ride along on a oddly chilly train, heading back to a basement that I will inevitably be told I have to help clean, I suddenly recognize a great injustice that had been dealt to me and all of my fellow train passengers - we are not getting to watch the superbowl this evening.

Except this guys with his laptop in the Cafe Car. I guess he has the best Wi-Fi.
   I realized the tremendous suffering that we were having to go through. For the past two weeks, I was guaranteed a great bounty of milk and honey. Milk and honey in the form of pizza, chicken wings, pigs-in-a-blanket- several dips of varying deliciousness, beer, water, beer, cheese, crackers, beer, celery and carrot trays, beer, and the ability to sit on a couch for three and a half hours uninterrupted with a beer.

And that's just the first twenty minutes
   It was a travesty, this lack of football on the train. This was obviously a holiday that we train-riders would not have the chance to celebrate. We didn't even get to make a long weekend out of it. it felt liked being blue-balled by my own television, and then satisfying everyone else I knew. "What a whore." I stated directly into the situations face. But, inspiration hit me like a Nokia hits the floor.


   After getting inspiration off of me, and receiving the necessary medical care, I started a letter the the president. It was a letter explaining how we have been sold out by your government without causes or thought of our well-being. We had rights, and they were being taken away for reasons that were just simply unethical. A long time ago, we were promised 'a chicken in every pot, and a car in every garage.' And while those things have obviously been to everybody, we have been leaving out something that our forefathers most certainly meant for us to have: a national Superbowl Day. We celebrate just about everything else we enjoy in this country, including birthdays...


   Religious holidays, like Christmas and Easter...


   And other, slightly less important holidays, like Labor Day, Cinco de Mayo, and Leif Erikson Day.

Yes it's a drawing, but that's because VIKINGS DON'T EXISTS ANYMORE!
   With that, please write to your congress-person; even if you don't actually like football nor the super bowl, you at least watch for the commercials. Join me in stating that there is no bigger issue that this country - the greatest country - suffers from, then from the inability for everyone, man or woman, big or small, of any creed, color or lifestyle to sit anywhere and enjoy the rightfully earned entertainment that the world over respects and delights in watching,

   I will not rest until each pot of chicken, and every car-filled garage comes with a big ass screen, showing football. Besides, everyone knows the only people that don't watch football are communists.

Communists like this guy.