Saturday, October 22, 2011

Enthused by Halloween

   Anyone that knows me know that I thoroughly enjoy the holiday of Halloween. There's little to dislike about it really; free candy; the ability to scare the elderly out of the their colostomy bags, only to take their candy some more; eating candy until you get sick; continuing to eat candy while sick; have your parent(s) question whether or not that Mary Jane had a razor in it or not.

Ah, yes, the murder weapon of choice - the razor-induced Mary Jane. It only sounds like drugs, but can kill like them too! (great for kids)

   Beyond the candy however, there is other things to look forward to. This being America, you are ensured to see at least a few hundred, if not thousand houses egged, TP'd, or otherwise hilariously vandalized by douchey children in shitty ghost costumes.

"I'mma throw this rock through their window. Trick or treat, mother fuckers."
   And still further beyond this entertaining, if not childish, attempt at guerrilla warfare over candy, there's a few things about Halloween that I truly am not excited about. 

   The first thing is probably this guy:


   In case you don't know, that is Tim Burton. Now before there may - or may not (I don't know who reads this thing) - be a flood of comments going 'rar rar, Burton is teh g0d, lololol!', this is not me bashing him. I think he's a cool dude, with pretty okay art work-ish like things, and concepts. However, one piece of his single-handedly brought out the most ridiculous of a fairly ridiculous, yet self-aware holiday:


   This film has changed everything about Halloween forever. Instead of being based on the receiving of candy or the oddly Irish-English festival-holiday-party, this movie has raised the bar for Halloween in the minds of every kid that mildly remembers the 90s. Now, I'm all about raising bars and all, but the following this film has totally made much of the holiday into a silly expression of one's gothiness (that's totally a word). Besides, it's not even scary.

All this guy is, is a fat, dice loving nerd in a strange, burlap onesie. And honestly, is that the kind of thing you want representing the scary that is Halloween?

   Besides, they make Halloween into a greedy holiday. Good ol' Jack Skellington tries to take Christmas in the name of Halloween. And while the candy is good, the lack of Christmas would take away all sorts of presents, baked goods, presents, time spent with family, presents, caroling, and especially presents. That is nothing but a crime. With that, I say bullocks to your nightmare, Mr. Burton; I want a respectable, non-thieving Halloween.

   Another thing that makes me slightly less then pleased with Halloween is how abused it is by the college-aged adults. As a note, I will not be going trick-or-treating, however, I will be partying to celebrate anyway. However, when I see adults going trick-or-treating in their totally not creative costumes, it just bothers me. It's like blasphemy to the Halloween Deity.

   No, not that stupid thing. 

   More bothersome is the kind of costumes that adults do where. Most of them are completely unoriginal, if not just plain stupid. Especially the women. For example:



Yep. Totally scary.

   Now, people dressing up stupid isn't a new thing (see 'Fan of the 80s' post), but dammit, unless you live in Miami, or L.A. or the freakin' sun, there's a fair chance it's going to be cold come Halloween night. Men - bring a jacket, and also don't be a penis wrinkle because you're in costume. It is not cool. Women - It is cold. If you wear a super slutty costume and roam the streets in search of candy/dick, and complain about the cold, it is your own fault. Also, not all of your asses are actually attractive.


Pray she doesn't go as the sexy nurse.

   In short, I do hope that everyone has a great Halloween, and do not abuse the great holiday that has been given to us.


   If you don't, this guy will dress up as Candle Jack and take you away, never to come back.