A Bear, Part II - Not in Hibernation

   With the Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa/ whatever else that counts as a holiday experience being over, people have once again begun to retell poorly conceived bear jokes at my expense. In fact, it was only two days ago that was faced with a very public attempt at my humanness. I was going to a dance club, when door security came up to me...

Me: "Do I pay my cover to you?"

Security Guy A: "I'm sorry, we have a 'No Bears Allowed' policy."

Me: "...lolwut?"

   Apparently a friend of mine works security, and had told his co-workers of my arrival. I was eventually asked 'What's with the bear joke?' by Security Guy A, only to answer with the following:

"General tool-iness, good sir. Immense douche-baggery."

   So, in short, I am still not a bear. It is now the season of winter, and I am not hibernating. Bears hibernate. I celebrated the holiday season; name a bear that has done that.

   Dammit.

   Either way, I already dealt with the Yogi Bear thing in my first post (read it) and had already shown how Yogi Bear and I have nothing in common. And since Yogi is the most popular anthropomorphic ursine since Teddy Ruxpin, I can say with confidence that he is the golden standard of who or what is a bear.

   So, what more could be said for the sake of my not bear-hood? Well, how about an abridged version of how this joke came into existence in the first place? Like how I technically made it up?

   Many years ago, in a distant school in Albany, New York, I once told the tale of how everyone should imagine a boring speaker to be their favorite animal. It was a test of people's creativity, and a very humorous idea to think of; Imagine! An anthropomorphic smorgasbord of teachers and professors. The thought amused many, and it was good.

I have the fear that Disney could sue me at any time for this idea.

   One day, I apparently was being exceptionally boring, and one amongst the crowd shouted "BEAR!", and pointed at me. Everyone looked at me intently, as I was attempting to quickly disprove their conjecture.

"I am no bear. You have no proof." said I. But it was too late. The crowd had glazed over with irrational thinking, to the point where even the most persuasive lawyer could not change their minds.

   And so it was, without proof, reason, nor legal counselling, the public sees me as a bear.

   No! Not THAT kind of bear!

  Yes, that bear.

   But it's not true. I am not a bear. And I am yet to have a really convincing argument in favor of my bear-hood. So to you, the general bear-obsessed public, screw yourselves, and realize that I don't live in the woods. I am Adam Lopez, not a bear.

...Dammit.