Good at Gift Giving - A Holiday Shoppers Guide.

   As I stated in my last post, this Holiday season has been particularly brutal for me. In fact, I'd go as far to say that the only thing that I own that resembles a holiday spirit is the gin and tonic sitting on my shelf/work drawer/pocket flask/behind the computer.

Gin usually tastes like a Christmas tree. Especially after the third or fourth.

   That said, I still have enough guilt built into me to make me have to buy presents for friends and family. With that, allow me a final gulp of liquid Christmas tree (that's gin, in case you didn't read the caption) and I will layout a fool proof play on how to buy for loved ones.

<Gulp!>

   With the need to be both somewhat altruistic and impressive to your family - mostly because you didn't remember that one sibling's birthday - you need to take great care in learning the interests of your family members. This will prove to be helpful, even beyond the gift-giving holiday, because then you can constantly buy them the same thing for any occasion.  

Christmas gift for the sister Lopez, 12 years running.

   But, on the off chance that you feel like being creative, or perhaps your brother beat you to the sock punch, always remember that your family members used to be people. There was a time where they went out, and did fun things, like ice skate, or listen to music, or even showered. I would recommend buying the family member that was the least responsible something that will remind them that they once were fun, but are now just a husk of what they once were. A husk with a job and/or child(ren). Remember though, try to have the gift be heart-felt - it will make other family members have to guess whether they are crying out of sadness of their forlorn days, or because they are actually touched by your gift.

   Well said, Mr. Hanks.

   Perhaps you have a friend or family member that is more into technology, or other expensive-therefore-obscure interest. The best present for them would be a gadget they already have, but from a different brand or company. This strategy is can work out in multiple ways: one way is that your friend/family member is a jerk, and will just end up returning the gift since you accidentally left the receipt taped to the device. Then they will receive the money, which is probably the most useful gift of all.

   Because family togetherness doesn't pay the bills.

   Another possible scenario is that your friend/family member isn't a jerk, but can be very neglectful of things at times. If you can ensure that the gadget that they are ultimately going to give them is something you would like as well, then all you have to do is wait about 3 weeks, and then ask to borrow that 'thing I gave you for Christmas.' With any luck, they'll just say keep it for as long as you want, and you'll have your own gift - which will probably be still in the package, meaning it's still in working condition.

She received the same present 4 Christmases in a row, and yet she's still surprised.

   Of course, if you are cheap, almost considerate, and good with your hands, you could always make your gift recipient something. I recommend following the same kind of thinking used above when making something though; that way you could have a new desk instead of your schmuck of a brother who's just going to clutter it anyway. Or, for more entertaining purposes, make something for you gift recipient and be bad with your hands - that way, you will either be pleasantly surprised at your handiwork, or you will be told to just get them a card with a lotto ticket in it (great advice for the last minute altruist).

Both for comfort and for the environmentally conscious. Also, it's better then a clay ashtray - use that argument to show that you are at least thinking outside of the first-grade art class box.

   Now, if you are the silly few that still get married and are in the mood to have that marriage last a while still, holiday gift giving can be tricky. It is a time to show your special someone that you are thinking of them, in hopes that your gift will distract them until Valentine's Day, when you invaribly think about them again. For this situation a I recommend a shaking things up. First, a bottle of almost fine wine, bought either off the internet, or the corner store a few blocks down. That should lighten the mood of the gift giving process, if not just make it more forgetful.

Nothing says 'holidays' like boozing. That said...


<Gulp!>

   Once you've successfully drunk yourselves into a stu<hic!>por, or simply put the wine down for a ch<hic!>ange, you can begin the giffting. As I said, shake it up a bit this year, and have a little bit of role-reversal. Get your significant other the thing you would like the most; if you would like a power drill, give him/her/it a power drill; if you'd like a sexy santa's helper themed lingerie, give it/her/him that instead. It will either be a great laugh, a learning experience, or the reason you can't be in the same room as your significant other anymore. Either way, a good i<hic!>dea.

   I hope that this advice can help you in your holiday shopping endave... indov... thing. Now, go out there, get some liquid pine tree, and make the best damn macaroni portrait ever - your dad will love it. As for myself, there's a box of wine with a bow and my name of it.