Good at Art (painting)

   By the time this sentence has been fully written (grammar not withstanding), you may or may not have realized that my sense of artistic ability is close to nil. No, it is nil. There is none. In fact, to show you, the reader, that I am no good at art, I will be showing you my personal attempts to emulate different forms of it. However, to save myself from some level of shame - not that I would actually be shamed, I'm just prejudice - the follow types of readers are not allowed to view this post:

   First, Art Critics (legitimate)

   Yes, all of you. The last thing I need is to have someone with a peacoat and a black turtleneck to be judging on the art I'm trying to emulate, as well as my emulation. Take your egos and your smugness out of this blog!

   This does include this guy, and people that look like this guy.

   Second, Hipsters.

   I'll deal with you in another post. But for the time being, get out. Just get the fuck out of my internet. And take your crappy beer with you too.

   Third, People who Actually like Art. This is mostly because you'll laugh at me otherwise, and that will hurt my feelings.

   Imma sensitive artist. Just look at those doe eyes.

   Now that that has been settled, allow me to unveil the first of many good arts:

   Ah yes, Master Van Gogh's self portrait. An excellent piece. A great example of careful placement, mindful color choice, and calculated perspective. Art well deserving the level of masterpiece.

   Mine? Only slightly disheartening.

   Now, I have put in the same (estimated) amount of time into my work. Some would say that it is an extremely accurate account of my portrait. However, those people have been swayed too much by my actual countenance, and have forgotten the fact that art never looks as good as the real thing. I mean, Van Gogh up there wasn't made of paint.

   Next up on the docket, a little Picasso, just to get crazy.

   Here is his rendition of the Mediterranean Landscape. Beautiful, however sharp. It's like I'm actually there, and still completely unaware of my perspective. Though the house looks very nice, and the boat is certainly a good touch; I'd say a 10 out of 10, mostly for creativity.

   But when I try it...

   Dammit. 

   This art thing is hard. I'll stop here for today, and will return again with what I hope to be better art skills, and more actual good art. But, there is one thing that does make me happy - 

   I'm almost certain I'm better at art than this guy.

   Speaking of art, comic-ing is an art form, and this guy has a pretty good foothold on that market. Please check out the better-then-mine art and plot of Patton Potatoes: Competitive Eater

A Fan of the 80s (Mullets)

    At least two days ago - time has been escaping me lately - I ran into a child in a school I was standing around in. This child, a little boy, was kind, polite and at peace, yet visibly and unconsciously tormented by incivility that I could only assume his parents put him through. Looking at him filled my heart with pain, as I knew he was too young to truly understand the wrongs that he had endured. If only he could understand the victimization he was unwittingly privy to.

   This boy had a mullet. A full blown, rat-tail included, 1980s mullet. 

   My only hope for the poor boy was that the man above was his father. I still pray for him.

   After seeing such a blind attack on hair, I began to wonder who would do such a thing to their own child. It quickly occurred to me that it could have been only one of two people: The Man, or...

   Barbarians. I began to investigate the wave of torment that brought on such a tactless act upon this child and children everywhere, and it all came down to one moment in American history - the 1980s. 

   If any of my readers at this moment were alive and fully capable of remembering these dark times, you understand the type of mindless existence that was considered normal during the 80s. The 80s as an era was full of uncivilized thinking and mob-mentality; totally unlike what we have today.

   Nope, definitely better now then it was then. 

   I use myself as an example of civility. I am everything the 80s never were. My being makes the 80s (and modern things) seem totally uncouth. To start, 80s fashion:

Katy Perry has worn crazier, I'll grant that.

   Absolutely ridiculous, and no self-loving creature on this planet would be proud of such a wardrobe. My fashion however, is the both the pinnacle of manliness and the excellence.

   As for cinema, I will admit that some good movies were released in the 80s. However, these are heavily outweighed and out-shined. Take a look at some "classic examples."

   Now, I know what you are thinking; "But you haven't made a film. You're not a director. You can't compare." Wrong. Amongst the things that I am, a movie maker is one of them. Unfortunately, my grammy winning film was destroyed directly before its worldwide release because of sabotage. While I don't know who did it, I know what I was replaced by.

   While the list could be considered endless, I feel my point has been made. What was the point you ask? That I am better then the 80s. And several of its largest movies stars. That and mullets are maddening. Never let your kid's barber give it a mullet. It's just abusive.

A Writer