Enthused by Halloween

   Anyone that knows me know that I thoroughly enjoy the holiday of Halloween. There's little to dislike about it really; free candy; the ability to scare the elderly out of the their colostomy bags, only to take their candy some more; eating candy until you get sick; continuing to eat candy while sick; have your parent(s) question whether or not that Mary Jane had a razor in it or not.

Ah, yes, the murder weapon of choice - the razor-induced Mary Jane. It only sounds like drugs, but can kill like them too! (great for kids)

   Beyond the candy however, there is other things to look forward to. This being America, you are ensured to see at least a few hundred, if not thousand houses egged, TP'd, or otherwise hilariously vandalized by douchey children in shitty ghost costumes.

"I'mma throw this rock through their window. Trick or treat, mother fuckers."

   And still further beyond this entertaining, if not childish, attempt at guerrilla warfare over candy, there's a few things about Halloween that I truly am not excited about. 

   The first thing is probably this guy:

   In case you don't know, that is Tim Burton. Now before there may - or may not (I don't know who reads this thing) - be a flood of comments going 'rar rar, Burton is teh g0d, lololol!', this is not me bashing him. I think he's a cool dude, with pretty okay art work-ish like things, and concepts. However, one piece of his single-handedly brought out the most ridiculous of a fairly ridiculous, yet self-aware holiday:

   This film has changed everything about Halloween forever. Instead of being based on the receiving of candy or the oddly Irish-English festival-holiday-party, this movie has raised the bar for Halloween in the minds of every kid that mildly remembers the 90s. Now, I'm all about raising bars and all, but the following this film has totally made much of the holiday into a silly expression of one's gothiness (that's totally a word). Besides, it's not even scary.

All this guy is, is a fat, dice loving nerd in a strange, burlap onesie. And honestly, is that the kind of thing you want representing the scary that is Halloween?

   Besides, they make Halloween into a greedy holiday. Good ol' Jack Skellington tries to take Christmas in the name of Halloween. And while the candy is good, the lack of Christmas would take away all sorts of presents, baked goods, presents, time spent with family, presents, caroling, and especially presents. That is nothing but a crime. With that, I say bullocks to your nightmare, Mr. Burton; I want a respectable, non-thieving Halloween.

   Another thing that makes me slightly less then pleased with Halloween is how abused it is by the college-aged adults. As a note, I will not be going trick-or-treating, however, I will be partying to celebrate anyway. However, when I see adults going trick-or-treating in their totally not creative costumes, it just bothers me. It's like blasphemy to the Halloween Deity.

   No, not that stupid thing. 

   More bothersome is the kind of costumes that adults do where. Most of them are completely unoriginal, if not just plain stupid. Especially the women. For example:

Yep. Totally scary.

   Now, people dressing up stupid isn't a new thing (see 'Fan of the 80s' post), but dammit, unless you live in Miami, or L.A. or the freakin' sun, there's a fair chance it's going to be cold come Halloween night. Men - bring a jacket, and also don't be a penis wrinkle because you're in costume. It is not cool. Women - It is cold. If you wear a super slutty costume and roam the streets in search of candy/dick, and complain about the cold, it is your own fault. Also, not all of your asses are actually attractive.

Pray she doesn't go as the sexy nurse.

   In short, I do hope that everyone has a great Halloween, and do not abuse the great holiday that has been given to us.

   If you don't, this guy will dress up as Candle Jack and take you away, never to come back.

A Convicted Felon - I did NOT key Baxter!

   Last night, upon a very lonely walk home, I came under a very scary kind of feeling. That awkward, wish-I-had-eyes-in-the-back-of-my-head feeling. I felt like I was being followed. It wasn't a comfortable feeling.

   Like above, only less cartoony and more like possibly getting raped.

   I did what any safety-loving pedestrian at midnight would do; I began to walk faster. My peripherals were reacting crazily, keeping an eye out for suspicious movement or threatening persons. My vision had increased into a full one-hundred and ninety degree arc, giving me a fighting chance if anything were to try and jump at me. I kept my pace, feeling my already overworked and under-rested legs burn with the fast walk. Then, the sound came.

   Indeed, that was my first reaction. But replace adorable-ness with a near-miss bowel movement.

   The sound I heard was the usual sound one hears when walking; the light, seemingly non-threatening pitter-patter of footsteps and shoe soles. An in tandem clacking of someone at least twenty feet behind me. I kept my pace still and even tried to go faster. Who or whatever it was, it proved that it was determined to catch up to me.

   This is what I assumed my future would hold.

   Sure enough, the sound became clearer and clearer, and their presence more so. Then - a burst of noise! the sound of denim scratching on itself as legs moved the material back and forth rapidly. The air felt bothered as the person only three feet behind me makes a run towards me. I felt myself react, mostly on instinct. I threw my right arm out towards him, with my keys in between my knuckles in my left. He pounced, but so did I.

   Similar, but instead of adorable, more like two grown men about to hit pavement.

   The last breathes he utter easily were "hey ma-" as I was now on top of the man, my left hand wolverine style at his neck, the key between my knuckles gently poking at his throat.

   Kind of like this, only more key and less rape-looking.

    "Who are you?!" I yelled, inadvertently spitting on him. "What do you want from me?!"

    He obviously wasn't going to talk. I jabbed the key more in his throat, growling threateningly at him.

   "Are you Baxter? Did Ronnie send you? This is Bull! I told him I'll have his money for the horse in a week, the impatient bastard!"

   Baxter looked back at me, with what I assume was a 'I-am-pissing-myself' look.

   "You go tell Ronnie that if he doesn't get off my ass, he'll what's coming to him! For example!"

    I lifted my key-hand jabbed it at Baxter's chest, causing him to both bleed from a fairly deep cut and scream because of a fairly deep cut at the same time. From there, I picked myself up off of him, feeling proud of the excellent keying I had done, gently kicked him in the head as a sign to move along. I promptly made way to whichever couch I was sleeping on that night (being homeless and all).

   The next morning, I read in the newspaper that some Kyle person was attacked via key. Guess I didn't key Baxter.


   Stay tuned for next week's blog: Things I am Not - Not going to jail for assault.


(this is totally a work of fiction with a side order of truth.)

The Opposite of Homeless (Settled)

   Hello my few but hopefully loyal readers! For the past ___ months, I hope you all had a fair chance to read up on everything I have written. If you haven't, do so now - I promise it's all quite entertaining.

So... Much... Reading...

   Now that you are caught up, I should probably catch you up on what exactly I've been up to, and what I am no longer being. If the title of this post has you confused, I am rather homeless.

   Destitute.

   Alone.

   But, thankfully not addicted to as much crack as that guy.

   Things on the open road have been certainly interesting; I live and work by the sun's light, and rest from my tiring day of toil and travel. But mostly I couch surf, and it really hasn't been that bad.

Hell yeah to couch surfing.

  Besides that, I am in search for employment, good food that I can legitimately pay for, and possibly even love. Especially when that love can offer both employment and food - and no, I will not become a prostitute, because I wouldn't never want to 'service' a client that would pay me in sandwiches.

   Yeah, not the kind of payment I want to receive for my 'talents.'

   Despite all of these obstacles, I have finally found both time and motivation to continue the blogging, and so I bring to you, what I hope is good, chuckle-worthy writing.

   That said, anyone know of a good writing job anywhere? Me promise i writes egnlish good.

In New York State, Part Four - Man are My Arms Tired

   To you, my loyal readers, you my know that I have returned to the humble and excitable state of New York. My adventure to the west coast to see the other side of the American world has finally come to a close. Besides that, I'm getting a college degree in the morning, so my summations of my trip will be given in a different format then usual.

   And no, it isn't a format involving a red track suit and interpretive dance - just a list.

   The California Ass- This thing is quite a physical anomaly of the human condition. For some reason, unsolved by science, the west coast has what I believe to be the statistically highest sum of people that have a sweet ass. not too little, but not to... not to...

   Exactly. Instead, it is just perfectly shaped. The thing about is, is that it wasn't just a woman thing either - it was everyone. Literally everyone LA either had a fake enough ass to make it appear sweet, or just had a really well put together rump. It was like some sort of genetic mutation to the people of the city - but instead of giving superpowers or a Quatto-like growth coming of the face, it was just a nice ass.

   Thank God for BIG favors.

   Excellent Sunsets - Now there are glorious sunsets in many parts of the world, but I must that Los Angeles definitely has one of the most unique ones. Too bad it's all thanks to the large amount of smog pollution. Oh well, it's still really nice to see.

   Keep it up boys, my date wants to see the orangiest, pinkiest, purpls-ish-est twilight sky ever!

   A Standard Sum of Snow - Now, I know what you're thinking; "Derp derp, it's hawt there, there can be snowz, stoopid." And while I fairly certain winter as a season is shot at on sight in LA, there are high mountains all over the place, which are actually awesome for snowboarding and skiing. So, you could literally spend and entire day on a frosty mountain top, then spend the evening beach side if done properly.

   Oh, so this isn't just some sort of fan service. That said, Californians always know it will snow on the mountains, and never in the city. Thus telling nature to effectively screw itself.

   Oh yeah, they do have those. Well, at least it's not snow.

   Oh bugger.

   A Reasonable Language Barrier - Not surprisingly, one out of every one person speaks some form of actual Spanish, if not only Spanish. Making a rather uni-lingual being, such as myself, quite the gringo. However, it is a language barrier that makes sense. If you only speak English, you need to learn Spanish to do stuff, and vice versa. However, it is observably not the same in New York; there is this weird, all equally bastardizing versions of American English having a grand old time disliking and confusion everyone and everything around them. I'd go as far to say that it's the reason the Boston Red Sox and New York Yankees hate each other.

"'Pahk tha cah,in my mah?'  Tawk wright, ya gross Bawston  Bastad!"

   Dumber things have started over more serious misinterpretations.

   Well, I'll leave this chapter of my not being in New York closed for tonight. I am in the home state, at least for now. And I must ultimately thank it, for by the time many of you read this, a New York state accredited college will give me a sheet of paper saying I'm allowed to sculpt young minds.

   High Five State! Booya!

In New York State, Part 3, Hey There Up There

   Needless to say, my trip thus far has been a great escape from the state of New York. However, some things never change - and even sound worse at times.

   I understand that this is Los Angeles, and it has it’s own crime to deal with, but I guess I didn’t imagine it would be a daily thing. Not with all the awesome places that exist here:

   You get the point.

   However, none of the kidnappings, murders, protests, car accidents, gas prices, or granny bandits have me looking over my shoulder - yet.

   Though the idea of an 80 year old thief is crazy enough to make me question my personal safety.

   Especially if they are batman.

   One thing that definitely has me feeling pretty awesome though is what I would like to call a personal ‘Leveling Up,’ as I have recently learned how to fly.

   No, not quite.

   Nope.

    Yes, but without the stupid suit made of primary colors.

   Yes friends, I totally learned to fly. It was surprisingly easy too. All it took was a little motivation and teaching from my own father to accomplish such a feat. The following conversation was the long and short of what took place before my flight.

   NOTE! My Dad has a thick Spanish accent, so be sure to include that when you read it.

   Me: “Hey Dad, what is the plan for tonight, anything in particular?”

   Dad: “Well, how do you feel about seeing Universal City, right next to Universal Studios?”

   Me: “That sounds awesome! How far of a drive from here is it?”

   Dad: “Drive? You snag, we’re not driving there.”

   Me: “Are… we taking a bus?… or ca..”

   Dad: “Snag. We are flying.”

   Me:

   Dad: “What, you never fly before?”

   Me: “Well I…”

   Dad: “Just do this. You will be in the air like it was nothing.”

This photo is part of a dramatic reenactment. 

   I thought it odd, but after a few tries, it worked. I was amazed by how much we as human beings miss out on having to stay inside a metal cabin to achieve flight. Being up in the sky, it really makes you see things for what they are. You realize how small you are, and how vast the world is. You see the world for what it is at such an elevation - beautiful and miraculous. When I was flying, I really felt in touch with the vibes of the world. It was like I could hear the whispers in the wind; the all the colors that the world has created; the taste of sky.

   And then I did indoor sky-diving. It was equally as awesome.


 
So, I guess there will be at least one more part in my most captivating of series’. Please be on the look out for the - for real - final part to my travels!

In New York State, Part Dos - Californian Boogaloo

   Needless to say, my trip has been more awesome then what you see above. And yes, it has also consisted of as much break dancing, and break dance fighting, and other real life situations that are surprisingly solved with a break dancing competition.

   Definitely danced for a spare tire on Hollywood and Vine. Totally worth it.

   More importantly, my stay in Los Angeles has proved to be almost totally superior to any place I’ve been in New York - with a mild exception to New York City, but that’s only because I never had money when I was there.

   Damn taxes.

   On the surface level, the weather of Los Angeles is nothing short of paradise. Sure, it’s warm to hot, but unlike New York, humidity is kept down.

   I assume by these guys.

   And the sights are even better. Thus far, I am guilty of doing the tourist thing - going to food joints, museums, talking loudly on my phone, using my phone as a camera, wearing sunscreen, etc - but it has been a great experience. Mostly on my stomach.

   I mean, when this is the burger tradition of the place you live in, you know you’re in for a crazy time.

   Amongst my tourist going time here, I have been to a great wonder of nature - the La Brea Tar Pits. Now, if you don’t about the Tar Pits, you need to do two things: the first being click the link, because I’m sure the internet will do a better job explaining it, historically. The second being hit yourself, because it’s pretty self-explanatory.

   It’s a fucking pit of sticky, black, don’t drink this, tar.

   That said, even though it was a very interesting sight, filled with plenty of educational facts and remains of animals that would have easily murdered the human race, there was one thing that really took my aback.

   It’s in the middle of fucking Los Angeles. People live near it. Note the house in the background. Ignore the elephant's plight.

   Now, here in the west coast of the country, it’s rather laid back. People wear what they want, talk how they want, and have a generally good, if not humoring demeanor about them. However, someone had to of been kidding around or just sadistic when they suggested that this is great property:

   Versus maybe living… just about anywhere else. I mean, the last thing I want to do is raise a family where there is a real risk of accidentally dropping food, clothes, toys, children, in a tar pit.

Note: the internet is a cruel place, but not cruel enough for me to find a picture of a child stuck in tar. Good internet.

   Problem? Yes. However, this kind of living situation does prove the residents of Los Angeles are more hardcore then those of New York.

   Well, maybe.

   The next place that has been a beautiful experience is Long Beach and it’s residing aquarium. The city itself is nothing short of breath taking, having all of the interests and excitement of a larger city, combined with all the TV drama stereotypes of beautiful people, excellent weather, and a great supply of beach to walk at sunset.

   Okay, so not totally like TV, but pretty close. 

   Not much can be said about Long Beach besides the obvious. However, if anyone ever says that California is more then its stereotypical beautiful women and good sun.

   Tell them Long Beach pretty much proves them wrong. 

Stay tuned for the third, and possibly final part of my intercontinental journey!